An In-Depth Look at Army Divorce Rates

Raleigh, NC-The largest divorce firm in the state, Rosen Law Firm, says they're not surprised by the sharp increase among Army divorce rates and that more needs to be done to counsel the spouses left at home and those deployed overseas.

"There's a huge difference between typical divorces that we see on a daily basis and the military divorces that we're seeing," says Janet Fritts, a divorce attorney with Rosen Law Firm. "The majority of civilian couples we deal with have stopped communicating somewhere during the marriage, but military couples have been communicating in more ways than ever before."

Divorce experts say young military marriages, co-ed military units, financial decision-making, and the bureaucracy of being a military officer's spouse are just some of the factors contributing to the already established problems of spousal absence and combat stress among military families.

"Allocation of finances is a huge problem because so many military members have no control over their finances when they're overseas and their at-home spouses are spending the monthly checks the way they see fit, sometimes on their new love relationships," says Fritts. With deployments being more frequent and for longer periods, infidelity is another reason why the Army divorce rates have sharply increased. "A lot of times it's the women who remain on base to take care of the children and when her husband is gone for 6 months to a year, she may inevitably make new relationships with the men on the base," says Fritts.

Military couples are usually far away from their families and they are not reminded of their marriage vows because they are so isolated on base or overseas. Fritts also explains the growing co-ed military units are not helping either as more military members are establishing relationships with the opposite sex during wartime.

Statistics show the largest increase recently in Army divorce rates are among officers, a position which Fritts describes as having an enormous responsibility. Coupled with the weight of being an officer, the pressure of being a military officer's spouse also adds to the problem. "When they're left by themselves on the military base once their spouse deploys, a lot of spouses stop playing the game of being nice to the other military officer's spouses," Fritts explains. "Once the deployed spouse returns there's a lot of disagreement on the roles played and the bureaucracy of military officers and their spouses."

Rosen Law Firm<Br> 4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500<Br> Raleigh, NC 27607<Br> <a target="_new" href="http://www.rosen.com">www.rosen.com</a><Br> &quot;Divorce is Different Here&quot;

With offices in Raleigh, Charlotte, and now Chapel Hill/Durham, Rosen Law Firm is the largest divorce firm in North Carolina. Founded in 1990, the firm is dedicated to providing individual growth and support to couples seeking divorce by helping them move forward with their lives. Our staff of attorneys, accountants, and specially trained divorce coaches expertly address the complex issues of ending a marriage. Our innovative approach acknowledges that divorce is so much more than just a legal matter. Specialties include child custody, alimony, property distribution, separation agreements, and domestic violence relief.

For more information on Rosen Law Firm, or for an interview, please contact: Alison Kramer, Director of Public Relations, Office: 919-256-1542, Cell: 919-523-7104, akramer@rosen.com, <a target="_new" href="http://www.rosen.com">http://www.rosen.com</a>

Commitment

Being marriage means being fully committed to your husband as to the Lord. Look at Ephesians 5:22 it says Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body of which he is Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water though the word, and present her to himself as a radiant church without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-for we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother an be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Let's look at 1Peter 3:1 it says Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and find clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah. Who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

Love Always,
Your Sister in Christ
Mellody Davis

Enjoy more reading at: <a target="_new" href="http://www.hostinghelps.com/allaboutjesus">http://www.hostinghelps.com/allaboutjesus</a>

How to Recover From Divorce

As a licensed mental health professional, I work with many individuals, couples, and families who are affected by divorce. I have developed this list of survival strategies for people who are experiencing divorce. If you or someone you love is in this situation, I hope these ideas will help you.

1. Take your time as you adjust to your changed life circumstances. Recognize that you are going through a major life transition that cannot be rushed.

2. Set up temporary arrangements to help you get through the changes involved in your divorce process.

3. You will often feel frustrated. Avoid the temptation of acting for the sake of acting just because it gives you a temporary feeling of being in control.

4. When you feel uncomfortable, slow down and identify what you are feeling and why.

5. Don't force any more changes on yourself than are necessary.

6. Explore both the benefits and costs of your new life.

7. Think about the future. In your journal, explore the question, &quot;What is waiting to happen in my life now?&quot;

8. Remember to ask yourself, &quot;What am I supposed to learn from this?&quot;

9. Protect yourself against the inevitable forgetfulness and absent-mindedness which many divorcing people report. Make a list of important account numbers, telephone numbers, and the like, and keep them in a safe place.

10. Watch out for too many changes in your life as you recover from the divorce and the changes in your life circumstances. Change causes stress, and you have enough right now.

11. Let people help you.

? If it's impossible to reciprocate, say so.

? People know that your life isn't like it used to be.

? Don't let your inability to reciprocate prevent you from accepting what people willingly offer.

12. Let go of your need for perfection. You will not survive emotionally unless you lower your expectations.

13. Develop your ability to be flexible and find creative ways to solve problems.

14. Learn to set priorities. Do the most important things first.

15. Trust your gut feelings. Pay attention to your instincts and act on them.

16. Simplify everything in your life. You cannot afford to keep it complicated.

17. Find an outlet for your anger. If a friend is not available, look for a minister, rabbi, or professional counselor. If money is an issue, look for a therapist who will see you for a low fee.

18. Teach yourself to let go of guilt. You don't have time for it and it's not necessary.

19. Focus on issues you have control over. If something is beyond your control, don't waste your emotions on it.

20. Create a ceremony to acknowledge your divorce.

21. Learn to be assertive. You can't say yes to every request, whether it is from your family members or people in the community who want your time and resources. If you give it all away, you will have nothing left for yourself.

22. Find ways to take care of your body. Get regular checkups and make time to exercise. You need rest now more than ever. Watch your alcohol intake.

23. Find someone who will listen to you. Sometimes you have to ask, for example, &quot;I need a sounding board right now. Can I have 15 minutes of your time?&quot;

24. Rent a sad movie and let yourself cry (when the kids aren't around). Crying allows you to release the sadness that you are sure to feel.

25. Do at least one fun thing for yourself every week.

26. In your private journal, make a list of all the things you're afraid of.

27. In your private journal, make a list of all the things you worry about.

If you have children:

28. Manage your own emotions so you will be able to help your child manage his or her struggle.

? Learn as much as you can about how children respond to divorce and life in a single-parent home.

? Do not expect your child to respond the same way you do.

? Take your child's developmental stage into consideration when responding to his or her behavior.

29. Make it okay for your children to talk to you about their feelings.

30. Keep appropriate boundaries.

? Don't give in to the temptation to let your child take care of you.

? Let your children be children.

? Avoid burdening them with your feelings and the facts of the divorce.

? Find another adult to be your sounding board.

31. Even though you may be unable to be present as much as in the past, your children still need adult supervision. Look for ways for other adults to look in on your kids when they are home alone, even when they are teenagers.

32. Just because your child appears to be handling his or her emotions well, don't assume that he or she is okay. Some kids respond to divorce by becoming overly responsible or by closing down their emotions. They may need to hear, &quot;Tell me how you're feeling.&quot;

33. While it is important to listen and accept your children's feelings, it is equally important to set limits on behavior.

34. Keep a private journal where you express your feelings. Be sure to keep it in a private place where your children won't find it. A journal provides a place to express anger, sadness, loneliness, and fear-all of those feelings you feel every day as a single parent.

35. Remind yourself that recovering from divorce will take time. Your recovery will happen on its own schedule, and it will happen. You will get through this intact.

36. Get together with other single-parent families. Sharing times with people facing similar issues can make you feel normal.

Garrett Coan is a professional therapist,coach and psychotherapist. His two Northern New Jersey office locations are accessible to individuals who reside in Bergen County, Essex County, Passaic County, Rockland County, and Manhattan. He offers online and telephone coaching and counseling services for those who live at a distance. He can be accessed through <a target="_new" href="http://www.creativecounselors.com">http://www.creativecounselors.com</a> or 201-303-4303.

10 Ways to Keep Divorce Lawyers From Ruining Your Life

Everyone has heard the story (from friends, co-workers, and family members) of the divorce from hell; the one that grinds on for years, costs untold thousands of dollars, and frustratingly plods its way through the court system. It costs people not only their marriage, but often their children, their savings, and their emotional well-being, as well. Unfortunately, many people going through a divorce end up hating their lawyer, and more commonly, hating their spouse's lawyer. It doesn't have to be that way. You can get a divorce without letting lawyers ruin your life. Using the ten tips outlined below will make a huge difference in the way your divorce progresses. It's hard to behave rationally as you navigate this painful process, but the vast majority of people find the strength to get through a divorce without losing control of their emotions or finances. You can control the process and guide the matter to a successful solution, leaving your financial situation intact and allowing you to meet your needs now and in the future.

The reality is that lawyers are people, and like people, there are some awful ones out there and a few wonderful ones. When you hire an awful lawyer (one who creates conflict rather than resolving it, one who makes your divorce worse, rather than better) everybody involved suffers. You suffer, your spouse suffers and your children suffer. Well, not everybody suffers. The awful lawyer doesn't suffer, so it's important to do everything possible to avoid hiring that lawyer, because that's the only sure way to keep divorce lawyers from ruining your life. Here's how:

1. Don't hire the wrong lawyer. The lawyer you hire makes a tremendous difference. Use common sense in the selection process. Be observant, ask questions, and don't hire someone if you don't feel good about your interaction with him or her. Here are some things to think about in an initial meeting with a lawyer: 1) does the lawyer have a direct dial phone number? You can assume that if you have to go through a secretary or paralegal to reach your lawyer, you will have a harder time reaching him or her; 2) watch out for a messy office; if the lawyer is disorganized you can assume your case will be disorganized. If you see other clients' documents sitting out in public view, you can know that your documents will soon be sitting out in public the same way; 3) make sure the lawyer has a written client agreement that ensures that you understand your fees, rights and obligations; 4) don't hire the dabbler ? someone that does a traffic ticket case in the morning, a real estate closing in the afternoon and squeezes your case in somewhere in the middle; divorce is complicated enough that you should hire someone who does it all day long, every day; and, 5) don't hire a lawyer taking on more cases than s/he can handle; ask the lawyer what his or her average caseload is. Handling more than 15 or 20 cases at one time causes most lawyers to become overwhelmed and ineffective. Thinking about these issues when you meet with a lawyer for the first time will help you make the right choice.

2. Don't let a judge decide for you. The minute you (or your spouse) go to court and ask a judge to decide your divorce for you, you give up nearly all of the control you have over the process. If you want to keep your money instead of giving it to a lawyer, and if you want to maintain control over your life, DO NOT LITIGATE. Go to court only as a last resort, only if all else fails. Try negotiation, try mediation, try collaborative divorce, try settlement conferences but do not litigate. You may win at trial, but at what cost? Will you be able to dance with your former spouse at your child's wedding? Probably not. Litigation is destructive, expensive and gut wrenching. Litigate only if you have no other option. Litigation is, unfortunately, necessary in some cases. There will always be people that just can not agree no matter how hard you try. Reserve litigation for the most desperate situations.

3. Do hire a collaborative divorce lawyer (and get your spouse to do the same thing). Now you know you want to stay out of court. Do you want your situation to be resolved as efficiently, effectively, and successfully as possible? Of course. That's the way collaborative divorce lawyers handle divorces. In a collaborative divorce, everyone involved (lawyers and clients) signs a written pledge to keep your case out of court. This keeps everyone involved truly focused on reaching a mutually beneficial agreement, without threatening costly and destructive litigation.

4. Don't hire a mediator without getting legal advice first. Often, people think that hiring a mediator is a substitute for hiring a lawyer in trying to resolve their divorce. The critical mistake these people are making is this: mediators can not give legal advice. Their role is only to help people agree; the drawback is that they may help you agree to something that you would not have agreed to if you had sought legal advice first. Timing is everything here: using a mediator can be effective in resolving a divorce, you should never, ever hire a mediator without first obtaining legal advice from a lawyer whose only role is to represent your best interests. In fact, any good mediator will insist that you go and get legal advice before any agreement is reached, anyway. If you choose to mediate your dispute, get the legal advice before you begin mediation. It is more efficient and safer.

5. Don't sign a blank check. Signing an agreement with a lawyer that calls for hourly billing is like signing a blank check. Be careful. Let's face facts ? hourly billing encourages what? Billing! Find a lawyer who can tell you what your case will cost. The only way to be certain of your attorney fee is to get a firm commitment on a fixed fee. Short of a fixed fee you need frequent updates on the costs that you have incurred (if it were our money we would want daily, real-time, updates over the internet) and we would want the authority to accept or reject any action that would result in our paying more money. It just doesn't make sense to give someone the economic incentive to make your life miserable by dragging things out. Doctors don't bill hourly ? they charge you a fixed fee for your office visit or your surgery. Lawyers want you to believe that they can't predict your fee. If they won't tell you how much it costs then don't buy it.

6. Do a cost-benefit analysis. In divorce, it is easy to get caught up in the emotion and make all of your decisions from that vantage point. This can be a mistake though; spending some time analyzing your case from a logical, cost-benefit perspective can pay dividends. Keep your eye on the ball and stay focused on getting the divorce finished so you can move on with your life. It is not uncommon for divorcing people to do things like spend $500 to get a $100 microwave oven. Don't do it. If you can't see a clear connection between your actions and achieving a final resolution of your case, then don't take that action.

7. Do know your priorities. Frequently people going through a divorce find that their priorities change throughout the process. The things that they thought were most important when they began the process are not necessarily the same things that are most important at the conclusion. It is important that you review your priorities regularly, with your lawyer or on your own, so that you are always mindful of things that matter to you most. Staying on top of your own priorities allows you to keep your lawyer informed and better use the divorce process to obtain the results that your care most passionately about.

8. Do remain flexible. One of the most common mistakes people make when they begin a divorce is to decide that they absolutely, positively must have A, B, and C, and nothing else will be sufficient. Remaining flexible in the divorce process allows you to critically and impartially analyze all of the issues as they arise. This is especially true for people who have reviewed their priorities throughout the process (see # 7 above). Knowing what you want, and being flexible in your approach to getting it, can often mean the difference between success and frustration.

9. Do stay involved. When you hire your lawyer, don't simply hand control of your life over to him or her and walk away. Your divorce is critical to you, and it's too important to be delegated away and ignored. Stay abreast of developments on a daily basis. Find a lawyer who wants you to be as involved as you do. Two things to look for in a lawyer who wants to keep clients involved: same day delivery to you of all documents that come in or go out of the lawyer's office (email is a great option for this) and 24/7 access to your case file. Ideally, your file will be available on an extranet on your lawyer's website. If you can access your credit card and bank statements online, your divorce file should be online, on your lawyer's website, as well. Many lawyers use technology to make your life less stressful and more convenient; find one who uses the latest technology to help you stay involved. Involved clients are able to maintain control, reduce anxiety and make better judgments about their future, which helps them to reach positive outcomes in their divorce.

10. Do educate yourself. Knowledge can be your greatest ally. Research the divorce laws of your state, whether through a local law library or the internet. NCdivorce.com is the most comprehensive divorce website in North Carolina. The site features a discussion forum with questions answered by lawyers, a child support calculator, the latest cases from the North Carolina Courts, numerous essays and information on all divorce issues, seminar videos, and lots more. Reading the information on this site will dramatically improve your effectiveness and efficiency in interacting with your lawyer and negotiating with your spouse.

Lee S. Rosen is a Board Certified Family Law Specialist and founder of Rosen Divorce, the largest divorce firm in the Southeastern United States. Rosen Divorce is a multidisciplinary practice of lawyers, counselors and accountants. Visit <a target="_new" href="http://www.rosen.com">http://www.rosen.com</a> for more information and articles.

Top 5 To Dos Before Saying ?I Do?

1. DO allow yourself enough time to make one of your biggest life-altering decisions. Ask yourself why now and why with this person? You should be able to answer this in an affirming and positive way. The relationship should not be reactive to fill an empty space in your life, perhaps a past relationship, a surprise pregnancy, or the absence of family. Lots of people go into a relationship still having baggage from a previous one. If you deal with your previous relationship losses successfully, they won't come to haunt you or your future spouse later on. Also, keep in mind that opposites attract, but they are really hard to live with. The more in common you have with your spouse, the more likely the relationship will last.

2. DO discuss having children and if this is something as a couple you want to do. Also, discuss about how many children you'll plan to have and when you'll have them. What parenting practices will you adopt to raise your children? Who will stay at home or will both parties work? You should also define parenting roles as individuals and as a couple.

3. DO create a financial plan together. A lot of times people avoid talking about this, but you need to define financial goals and expectations beforehand. Don't just know how much your future spouse makes, but know the whole picture. Who will be in charge of balancing the checkbook? Will you join your accounts or will they be separate? What are your top financial goals together? People have different spending habits and different financial styles that are often influenced by family. What happens if one spouse starts spending excessively? How will this be handled? Speak with a financial planner and retain one together.

4. DO compare personal goals versus goals as a couple and the obstacles that may arise. If one party wants to move to California for a job promotion and the other desires to live near family in Florida, that's something to discuss now. How will you as a couple make life-altering decisions on which you may not agree? Surely, not all your goals will match that of your partner, but there needs to be decision-making beforehand on how to handle these differences. If one party longs to have children shortly after marrying, while the other wants to wait to start a family and hopes to attend graduate school, this could create tension in the marriage and lead down the road to separation or divorce.

5. DO decide on how to handle disputes. Conflict will arise in any relationship; it's a normal indicator of self expression and thought. Deciding on how to handle conflict will prevent big disputes and arguments that might be detrimental to the relationship. Decide ahead of time the rules for arguing and the limits. Set rules involving communication like no &quot;walk always&quot; or &quot;put downs&quot;. This will allow you and your future spouse to effectively handle conflict when it arises, and surely it will. Also, agree to not let the little things get too big.

For more information on Rosen Divorce, or for an interview, please contact: Alison Kramer, Director of Public Relations, Phone: 919-256-1542, Cell: 919-523-7104, <a href="mailto:akramer@rosen.com">akramer@rosen.com</a> or visit: <a target="_new" href="http://www.rosendivorce.com">http://www.rosendivorce.com</a>.

Jennifer Coleman is a divorce coach at Rosen Divorce and assists clients through the emotional transition that accompanies the legal process of divorce. She is a National Certified Counselor and specializes in marriage and family counseling.

ROSEN DIVORCE
4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, NC 27607
<a target="_new" href="http://www.rosendivorce.com">http://www.rosendivorce.com</a>
&quot;Divorce is Different Here&quot;

With offices in Raleigh and Charlotte, Rosen Divorce is the largest divorce firm in North Carolina. Founded in 1990, the firm is dedicated to providing individual growth and support to couples seeking divorce by helping them move forward with their lives. Our staff of attorneys, accountants, and specially trained divorce coaches expertly address the complex issues of ending a marriage. Our innovative approach acknowledges that divorce is so much more than just a legal matter. Specialties include child custody, alimony, property distribution, separation agreements, and domestic violence relief.

Credit and Divorce

Mary and Bill recently divorced. Their divorce decree stated that Bill would pay the balances on their three joint credit card accounts. Months later, after Bill neglected to pay off these accounts, all three creditors contacted Mary for payment. She referred them to the divorce decree, insisting that she was not responsible for the accounts. The creditors correctly stated that they were not parties to the decree and that Mary was still legally responsible for paying off the couple's joint accounts. Mary later found out that the late payments appeared on her credit report.

If you've recently been through a divorce-or are contemplating one-you may want to look closely at issues involving credit. Understanding the different kinds of credit accounts opened during a marriage may help illuminate the potential benefits-and pitfalls-of each.

There are two types of credit accounts: individual and joint . You can permit authorized persons to use the account with either. When you apply for credit-whether a charge card or a mortgage loan-you'll be asked to select one type.

Individual or Joint Account

Individual Account : Your income, assets, and credit history are considered by the creditor. Whether you are married or single, you alone are responsible for paying off the debt. The account will appear on your credit report, and may appear on the credit report of any "authorized" user. However, if you live in a community property state (Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, or Wisconsin), you and your spouse may be responsible for debts incurred during the marriage, and the individual debts of one spouse may appear on the credit report of the other.

Advantages/Disadvantages: If you're not employed outside the home, work part-time, or have a low-paying job, it may be difficult to demonstrate a strong financial picture without your spouse's income. But if you open an account in your name and are responsible, no one can negatively affect your credit record.

Joint Account: Your income, financial assets, and credit history-and your spouse's-are considerations for a joint account. No matter who handles the household bills, you and your spouse are responsible for seeing that debts are paid. A creditor who reports the credit history of a joint account to credit bureaus must report it in both names (if the account was opened after June 1, 1977).

Advantages/Disadvantages: An application combining the financial resources of two people may present a stronger case to a creditor who is granting a loan or credit card. But because two people applied together for the credit, each is responsible for the debt. This is true even if a divorce decree assigns separate debt obligations to each spouse. Former spouses who run up bills and don't pay them can hurt their ex-partner's credit histories on jointly-held accounts.

Account "Users" If you open an individual account, you may authorize another person to use it. If you name your spouse as the authorized user, a creditor who reports the credit history to a credit bureau must report it in your spouse's name as well as in yours (if the account was opened after June 1, 1977). A creditor also may report the credit history in the name of any other authorized user.

Advantages/Disadvantages: User accounts often are opened for convenience. They benefit people who might not qualify for credit on their own, such as students or homemakers. While these people may use the account, you-not they-are contractually liable for paying the debt.

If You Divorce If you're considering divorce or separation, pay special attention to the status of your credit accounts. If you maintain joint accounts during this time, it's important to make regular payments so your credit record won't suffer. As long as there's an outstanding balance on a joint account, you and your spouse are responsible for it.

If you divorce, you may want to close joint accounts or accounts in which your former spouse was an authorized user. Or ask the creditor to convert these accounts to individual accounts.

By law, a creditor cannot close a joint account because of a change in marital status, but can do so at the request of either spouse. A creditor, however, does not have to change joint accounts to individual accounts. The creditor can require you to reapply for credit on an individual basis and then, based on your new application, extend or deny you credit. In the case of a mortgage or home equity loan, a lender is likely to require refinancing to remove a spouse from the obligation.

For More Information If you need additional help during this time of financial stress, please call Cindy Morus at 541-387-2995. She's been through it, too.

Cindy S. Morus (<a target="_new" href="http://www.phelps-creek.com">www.phelps-creek.com</a>) is a Certified Financial Recovery Counselor specializing in showing women and their families how to achieve financial well-being and peace of mind. She is also a Certified Credit Report Reviewer and Get Clients NOW!? licensee. Contact her at 541-387-2995 or cmorus@phelps-creek.com She is also the publisher and editor of "Financial Fitness" , an internet gazette dedicated to helping people improve their financial fitness no matter what decisions were made in the past.

Attention Ezine editors/Site owners: Feel free to reprint this article in its entirety in your ezine or website as long as you leave all links in place, do not alter the content and include our resource box as listed above. If you do use the material please send us a note (cmorus@phelps-creek.com) so we can take a look. Thanks.

Anatomy of a Divorce: How it Really Works

<B>The legal divorce vs. your real divorce</B> <BR><BR> <B>The legal divorce</B> has very limited concerns: to get a judgment of divorce, you have to make arrangements for your property, your children, and support (if any). If you have a high degree of conflict, it is also about keeping the peace and protecting you, your children and your property. That's it; that's all the legal divorce is about. <BR><BR> The law is used to impose a decision in your case only when there is a disagreement that has been brought into court. If you can reach a fair written agreement with your spouse, you can get almost any terms you like without much reference to laws. But, where children are concerned, a judge might take a look at your terms to make sure they are reasonably well supported and protected. <BR><BR> All you get from your legal divorce is a piece of paper--a Judgment--with findings of fact and court orders on the above subjects. That's all. This is what all the fuss is about; this is what people go to attorneys for and spend tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars to get--a piece of paper with orders about peace, property, custody, and support. <BR><BR> You might think that a legal divorce will solve your problems, but it probably won't and it is critically important that you understand this so you don't expect too much from the legal divorce--or some lawyer--and set yourself up for frustration and disappointment. <BR><BR> <B>Your real divorce</B> is about ending one life and beginning another, then making it work--spiritually, emotionally and practically. The real divorce is about breaking old patterns, making a new life and seeking a new center of balance. It's about doing your best with the hand you've been dealt. <BR><BR> Understanding some basic things about how the real divorce works will help you enormously in dealing with yourself, your spouse and your list of practical problems. <BR><BR> How you feel is probably the most real thing in your life right now. Nothing else in your life is as real as your pain, your fear, your anger, hurt, guilt, tension, nervousness, illness, depression--whatever it is you are feeling. <BR><BR> The practical tasks you face are also very real: how to get by financially, how to rearrange the parenting of your children, what to say to family and friends, what to do next, and so on. <BR><BR> In your real divorce, then, you face these challenges: <BR><BR> <B>Emotional:</B> This is about breaking (or failing to break) the bonds, patterns, dependencies, and habits that attach you to your ex-spouse. It's about learning to let go of anger, fear, hurt, guilt, blame, and resentment. You learn about past mistakes so you don't have to repeat them. You develop a balanced view of yourself, your ex-spouse, and your marriage. You create self-confidence and an openness to new intimate relationships. <BR><BR> <B>Physical: </B>Our minds and bodies are not separate and life does not come in these neat boxes. Emotions--especially strong ones that are ignored, denied or repressed--are frequently expressed physically. During divorce, people tend to experience a lot of tension and nervousness. They get ill frequently and have accidents. This is a time when you must take extra good care of your health, pay close attention to your body, and be extra careful when driving. <BR><BR> <B>Practical:</B> This is about taking care of business on the physical plane--including the legal divorce. It's the nuts and bolts of what to do, where to go, and how to get there as you begin to build a new life for yourself. You need to create safety and security for yourself and your children; to make ends meet in a new life-style that produces what you need and needs no more than you can produce. <BR><BR> Going through major life changes--in other words, re-creating your life--is demanding, hard work, but it may be the most important thing you ever do. And, unless you decide to get counseling or go into therapy, the real divorce won't cost a dime! <BR><BR> This article was taken from the book Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Better, which is full of practical advice on how to handle the issues described above. Learn more by going to <a target="_new" href="http://www.nolotech.com/CA/pds.html">Divorce Solutions</a>. <BR><BR> Copyright 2005 Ed Sherman

Ed Sherman is a family law attorney, divorce expert, and founder of Nolo Press. He started the self-help law movement in 1971 when he published the first edition of How to Do Your Own Divorce, and founded the paralegal industry in 1973. With more than a million books sold, Ed has saved the public billions of dollars in legal fees while making divorce go more smoothly and easily for millions of readers. You can order his books from <a target="_new" href="http://www.nolotech.com">http://www.nolodivorce.com</a> or by calling (800) 464-5502.

Too Many Divorces

My oldest boy asked me something the other day about all the news regarding the high divorce rate. I told him there aren't too many divorces, there's too many marriages. Most people get married without really knowing who they are marrying or just how big of a commitment they are making. Heck, most people get married before they even know themselves very well. When the reality of it all hits them, they are either stuck in a bad marriage for life, or they get a divorce. Education is the solution.

Know yourself well before committing yourself to a life of marriage to another person. Are you really ready? Are you done playing the field? Do you still have wild oats to sow? Is your career or higher education going to get in the way of your ability to really build a life with someone else? What are your beliefs about marriage? Are you a high maintenance or low maintenance personality? Are you ready for kids? Do you even want kids? How exactly do you plan on raising them? Are you going to be a smothering parent or one who pushes the child into independence? Tough love or doting? What kind of financial lifestyle do you want? Can you achieve it before you have kids or should you wait and have kids later when you've set things up just so? How much intimacy do you want, need, prefer? How accommodating are you to other people's needs? Are you a team player or a bit self indulged?

There are no right or wrong answers, you just need to have your eyes wide open for the sake of your future spouse. You need to be able to tell them straight up what it is you're offering. What exactly does 'let's get married' look like to you?

Know your partner before proposing or accepting their proposal. Are they really ready? Do you trust them not to cheat? What are their career aspirations? What are their spiritual beliefs and how important are they to them? What religion does your partner want to raise your children in? Are they high maintenance or low? Do you have what it takes to please them? Are they the type that will naturally please you without having to force yourselves to take care of each other? Do they want kids? If so, when? What kind of financial lifestyle do they want to raise a family in? Are they the type to want to just dive in and trust that everything will turn out okay or do they have a plan that they're going to want you to agree to and follow with them? What is their parenting style and beliefs? How much intimacy does your partner like? How well do they compromise with others? Again, there are no right or wrong answers, but you need to know these things about the other person before agreeing to marry them.

I heard a wonderful New Age definition of marriage recently. They said marriage is the act of agreeing to live out someone else's karma with them. So ask yourself, what's my partner's karma look like? What goes around comes around. What are they putting out into the world? And what kind of energy are you putting out into the world? Would it be fair to ask someone to join you in your karma? Be honest.

Young people really need to be educated as to what marriage is. So many girls accept the first proposal that comes along assuming it's the best they'll ever get. I think the fear that we'll be alone makes us afraid to say no to someone who isn't necessarily the right partner for us. I suspect the boys proposing are doing the same thing. Our fear of being alone and our low self-esteems make us desperate to couple up without really checking out who we're going to be with and what it is we have to offer them. Add to that the dizzyingly wonderful high that first comes along with falling in love and it's almost more than folks can handle. It's only natural that we would want to stay on that high forever. When we're young, we think that the high will last forever if we get married. We're committing to the emotions, not to the cold hard facts of who we are, who they are, and what marriage together would really end up looking like. It's very difficult to do, and much easier said than done, but young kids need to take a step back and seriously look at these questions before moving forward with marriage commitments.

The adults I know who have gone through repeat marriages and divorces are all still making that same mistake. They're marrying the rush of emotions before doing their homework and finding out who they're actually in love with. We are in love with being in love. Beautiful stuff, but often a sure formula for divorce once reality hits. If we can learn how to take a step back and bring our heads in where our hearts have taken over, I think we could save ourselves a lot of heartache down the line. Yeah, we probably wouldn't get married as early in life, because it will take a while to find the right one. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. The older and wiser we are, the better the chances that we're going to be able to openly and honestly present ourselves to potential mates.

As a society, if we would just wait for the right one to come along, we'd see a huge drop in the divorce rate. There will always be weird unexpected things that happen, but overall marriage would actually have a fighting chance at being a happily ever after thing again. Choose wisely and hold it sacred when you do find that special someone. Know just how rare and special they are. And give thanks daily once you find them.

Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow's Edge

About The Author

Skye Thomas is the CEO of Tomorrow's Edge, an Internet leader in inspiring leaps of faith. She became a writer in 1999 after twenty years of studying spirituality, metaphysics, astrology, personal growth, motivation, soulmates, and parenting. Her books and articles have inspired people of all ages and faiths to recommit themselves to the pursuit of happiness. After years of high heels and business clothes, she is currently enjoying working from home in her pajamas. To read more of her articles, sign up to receive her free weekly newsletter, and get free previews of her books go to <a href="http://www.TomorrowsEdge.net" target="_new">www.TomorrowsEdge.net</a>.

<a href="mailto:Skye@TomorrowsEdge.net">Skye@TomorrowsEdge.net</a>

Seven Sets of Documents You Need For Your Divorce

Even if you believe your case will ultimately be agreed to and settled without a trial, you will be in a much better position if you already have the relevant documents in your possession. Better safe than sorry.

You should locate the relevant documents, make copies, and keep them somewhere secure, like your office or with a friend. You will then have access when it is needed.

Here are the most important seven categories of documents you should focus on.

1. Income Documents

Your spouse's income is relevant to a number of issues in a divorce case. At a minimum, get your spouse's last paycheck statement and your most recent tax return. Ideally, you would have access to all tax returns filed during the marriage, along with all supporting documents and schedules.

2. Bank Records

The monthly bank statements are very important and can lead you to other documents (cancelled checks, deposit slips, registers, etc.) that you also may need to obtain. Get at least the most recent statement for each account that is either held in your name, your spouse's name, or jointly. If possible, get copies of all statements going back to the date of marriage. In most cases this volume of records is not required, but in some cases these records can be very helpful and even necessary to analyze the case.

3. Retirement and Other Investment Records

Often the biggest asset a couple will own will be a 401k or pension account. So you will definitely want the most recent account statement and ideally all statements dating back to the time of marriage. Also, the last statement prior to marriage can be very significant (especially in community property states) to show the pre-marriage balance.

4. Credit Card statements

Again the most recent statements are a necessity, but a lot of important evidence can be garnered from the historical statements. In some cases, the credit card statements will show questionable transactions that can be of real evidentiary value. For example, they might show evidence of gifts or dinners purchased for paramours, questionable hotel rentals, or other dubious purchases.

5. Real estate documents

The most important real estate documents are the Deed of Trust and Warranty Deed for any property you currently own. If you have the entire file from (the giant stack of paper you got after the closing) for each real estate purchase or refinance transaction during the marriage it can be helpful. Additionally, documents evidencing real estate owned by either spouse prior to marriage can be significant, especially in community property states.

6. Mortgage statements & any Other Debts

You should get the most recent statements showing the current payoff balance for any other debts. For those debts that have only a coupon book with no regularly generated statements showing the current balance, you will probably need to contact the creditor by phone for the current payoff information.

7. Relevant emails or other correspondence

Correspondence or emails can be extremely helpful (or damaging, depending on your viewpoint) pieces of evidence in the case. Whether the communication is between spouses or between a spouse and some third-party, the communication is potentially relevant. Two common examples would be where your spouse makes a damaging admission about some issue in the case, or communications with paramours.

Conclusion

Determining which documents you need to obtain for your divorce case can be a very time-consuming and daunting task. Use this list as a starting point and discuss your situation with a quality divorce attorney. This person should be able to advise you specifically on the documents you need to obtain in order to protect your interests.

About the Author

Scott Morgan has been a practicing divorce attorney since 1994. To learn about <a target="_new" href="http://www.california-divorce-info.com">California divorce</a> visit <a target="_new" href="http://www.california-divorce-info.com">http://www.california-divorce-info.com</a> for a litany of divorce resources, a free newsletter, and a local attorney directory.

Should I Get Divorced? Or Not?

No one besides you can determine whether or not a divorce is right for you! But, there are some general questions which pretty much apply to everybody. Thinking about the following issues may help you answer this question for yourself!

What specifically is making you think of divorce?

Physical Abuse

If your spouse is violent to you and/or your kids, this is a safety issue. No matter what you may have done, NOONE deserves to be hurt! Your spouse may be trying to justify his or her actions by blaming all of your marital problems on you. Please remember that a marriage requires effort by both persons to make it work.

Ask yourself the following questions:

a. Has your spouse tried to isolate you from your friends and family?

b. Have you had to call the police to stop violence?

c. Have you ever had to go to the hospital as a result of being hurt by your spouse?

d. Does your spouse apologize after hurting you and promise &quot;never to do it again?&quot;

e. Do you try to do everything &quot;right&quot; to keep your spouse from losing his or her temper?

f. Does this work for a little while, only to have the violence eventually start again?

g. Can you feel the pressure building in between violent episodes?

h. Does the smallest thing set off a violent episode?

i. Do you feel that nothing you do is right?

If you can identify with the above questions, you may be a victim of &quot;battered spouse syndrome.&quot; This situation, although it can occur with both wives and husbands, usually describes a situation in which a husband is physically abusing his wife.

A great deal of psychological and legal study has been done on this topic. Often, women who have been abused &quot;forgive their husbands&quot; and stay in the abusive situation. It has been found that five times is the average number of times a woman leaves her spouse before she can successfully escape the psychological control an abusive spouse can have over her.

Often, an abused wife alienates her family and friends who get angry when they try to help the woman leave, only to learn that she has returned to her husband and the dangerous situation!

Maybe you don't think you have anywhere to go! Most cities have special shelters for woman and children and will keep your location secret from your husband. Free legal fees are also frequently available.

Help is definitely available!!!!! Please don't let yourself or your children stay in a situation which could result in serious injury or even death. (Pat, there are hotline numbers we could probably put here or to click to.)

If you think you may be the &quot;abuser&quot; in this situation, help is also available to you to stop this pattern of behavior so that you can move forward and enjoy the pleasure of a healthy, happy relationship. Everyone deserves a second chance at happiness. Everybody can change and learn and grow from our mistakes. Maybe counseling is the answer. Maybe an anger management class would help; or, spiritual guidance from your particular clergyman. Perhaps you might consider yoga, meditation or some other form of &quot;alternative&quot; medicine. Just reach out, and you will find the answer that is right for you!

The Affair

You never in a million years thought it could happen to you. All of sudden, your spouse stays up late or gets up in the middle of the night to use the computer. Chat rooms, e-mails, internet &quot;buddies.&quot; Oh my goodness! How did that picture of you get distributed on the internet? (You know, the one you took thinking that it would remain private between you and your spouse.)

Then, there are the old-fashioned, more traditional ways to cheat: the business trip, the co-worker, the high school reunion hook-up, and so on and so forth! Let's not forget the world's oldest profession.

The question is ? do you leave or do you stay?

The world is divided into two groups of people (Those who count their carbs and those who don't.) It is also divided into those spouses who can forgive an affair by their spouse and move forward ? and those who can't.

If you are the victim of a wandering spouse, you should be honest with yourself. You may think you want the marriage to continue. Do you really want to work things out, or are you secretly determined to make your spouse's life a living hell. Maybe you don't really want this consciously; perhaps you just can't help yourself.

Maybe your personal or spiritual values will keep you from continuing in a marriage in which your spouse has cheated. Or, the opposite could be true. You may feel that you are committed to stay in your marriage no matter what.

Being honest with yourself about your true motives will go a long way towards helping you make the right decision.

What if you are the person who has found someone else? Maybe your marriage has been over for a long time. What would have to happen to save your relationship? Have you and your spouse talked about what seems to be missing in your marriage. Do you still love your spouse? If you could save your marriage, would you want to? Would you be willing to get some professional help?

Or, is it just a day late and a dollar short? Sometimes, a couple has passed the point of no return. Regardless of whether your spouse wants a divorce or not, the State of Texas will not force a couple to live together if one of them wants a divorce. Most of the time, one person leaves the relationship long before the other. Your spouse may need some &quot;catch-up&quot; time to get used to this idea.

If this is the case, you should be prepared for a bumpy ride for awhile. Your spouse will probably alternate between being angry, depressed, bargaining, penitent, furious, grieving, victimized, vengeful, retaliatory, depressed again, pathetic, and hostile (and then all over again.)

You may not know which of your spouse's &quot;multiple personalities&quot; you are going to have to deal with on any given day! One minute, everything is calm and you are talking rationally. The next day you're living in the seventh circle of hell.

It helps to remember that some of this is purely situational; ie. it is (believe it or not) normal behavior. It isn't actually about the two individuals ? you and your spouse. Instead, it's about being hurt and feeling betrayed. Both parties feel guilty. Both are suffering. Both feel just plain miserable.

Debt

Lord have mercy. Those purchases seemed like a good idea at the time. All of a sudden, you have credit card debt and lots of it (thousands and thousands of dollars worth).

Sometimes now the question becomes whether to declare bankruptcy and then get divorced or vice versa.

You may not want or intend to declare bankruptcy at all. If this is a consideration though, you should contact a bankruptcy attorney so that you can best consider the options that make the most sense for your personal situation.

Other kinds of financial problems frequently stress a marriage and can bring it to an early conclusion: gambling, excessive drinking, drug use (I'm talking about the COSTS involved here), spending on step-children or adult children.

Got problems with child support from a previous relationship? (Interest and penalties can cause the most loving spouse to lose his or her sense of humor.)

Did you use to have great credit but now you can't finance a happy meal? Money can't buy happiness. It has been suggested that the people who believe that don't know where to shop!

Seriously, let's face it! Food and shelter are pretty basic needs (Maslow's Hierarchy ? Psychology 101). A spouse who thinks his or her partner is to blame for their financial ruin may just decide to cut their losses and run (very fast).

Debt counseling and debt consolidation could help. Getting out from under steep monthly payments may provide much needed relief, as can re-financing the house or a home equity loan. These solutions will only work if the couple cures the disease and not just the symptoms! A serious change in lifestyle is in order.

Can you work this through? Can you afford to split up? Two people can live together cheaper than they can apart! Sometimes, a couple literally cannot make it financially living separately.

Conclusion

Obviously, there are plenty of reasons people get divorced which I have not covered in this article!

You may not be any closer to knowing whether or not filing for divorce is the right answer for you. But, I hope that thinking about some of the above will help you in your decision making process.

Have faith in yourself. I know that you will do the right thing.

Not Certified by the Texas Board of Legal Specialization.

Legal Disclaimer - This information is provided as a public service, and is designed for general information only pertaining to the state of Texas. This information is not intended to be legal advice, nor does it create an attorney client relationship. Consult an attorney for before making any legal decisions based on your individual circumstances.

Marilyn Gale Vilyus is a Houston family law lawyer practicing in the areas of divorce, child support, child custody, and mediation. Visit <a target="_new" href="http://www.westhoustonattorney.com">http://www.westhoustonattorney.com</a> for more information about divorce.

Divorce and Children: Things To Consider When Youre Staying Married Only For Your Children

All children are different and respond differently to divorce. Depending on the characteristics of the children - age, emotional maturity, happiness, resiliency to trauma - the easier or more difficult it will be for children to weather a divorce.

As a parent, you should know your children better than anyone...use your best judgment with your children during considering divorce. This "divorce and children" article is for parents who are certain that they would get a divorce if they didn't have children and want to decide what to think about regarding the effects a divorce would have on their children.

Children of divorced parents can actually live wonderful lives as long as the parents use proper judgment and create the right types of interactions between themselves and with each other.

This article on this web page does not suggest that divorce is the correct course of action for you and it in no way should be taken as a form of counseling to you. This article is merely to spark you to think logically and then make your own decision about divorce and your children.

As previously stated, every child is different and subsequently, every child responds to divorce in a different way.

If you think there's a definitive answer about how divorce affects children, you are mistaken. There's been hundreds of books written about this subject and a plethora of studies done regarding divorce and children, all citing differing opinions and using different statistical constraints and inputs. But, statistics can only go so far...if you know your children better than anyone else, you will know best how they'll be affected by a divorce.

How divorce affects children and what you should do if you're staying married solely because you have children is complicated issue.

Here's some things you may want to consider if you're a parent who is staying married just because you have children:

Children and divorce consideration 1: Make sure that you are, in fact, only staying married just because you have children.

Often times people use the children as an excuse not to get a divorce because they aren't really sure that they want a divorce or have some other fear regarding divorce. Those fears can be present due to finance, self-confidence, living arrangements, or other personal issues.

Before you really take the next steps in deciding whether or not to get a divorce because of your children, rank your reasons for divorce and make sure that you're really certain you'd get a divorce if you didn't have children.

Children and divorce consideration 2: Make sure 'guilt' isn't the real reason that you aren't getting a divorce.

The 'guilt' referenced above is the guilt brought on by thinking that your divorce will hurt your children. In and of itself, this feeling of guilt is a selfish one if you haven't really examined carefully if a divorce will have an adverse effect on your children. If you aren't getting divorced because of guilt in this regard, but you still have an unhappy marriage that is affecting your children, then you aren't really staying married for them, you're staying married for you because you feel guilty...this is selfish.

Children and divorce consideration 3: Once you've clearly defined that you are in fact, not getting a divorce solely because you have children, examine why you think divorce will adversely affect your children.

Remember, divorce can have a negative effect on children initially, but that doesn't necessarily mean that a divorce will be a negative influence on your children forever.

Decide whether or not your children have the resiliency, the intelligence, the emotional health, and the support they'd need to mitigate the adverse effects that a divorce would have on them. Will they be happy after the initial shock of the divorce is worked through?

Children and divorce consideration 4: Once you've really defined what you believe to be negative effects on your children due to divorce, think about what your children's life will be like in the immediate and distant future if you do actually go through with the divorce.

Ask yourself, "Can I create and maintain a healthy environment for my children if I do get a divorce?"

One thing that is a critical factor in this decision is the feasibility of you and your spouse getting a divorce amicably. If you and your spouse can go through a divorce amicably, and you both can agree to always put your children's welfare above your own, you will be one step ahead.

Again, make sure you are certain a divorce is necessary to create the right type of environment for your children. Assure that there is absolutely no way you can rekindle your marriage.

Usually, divorce represents the first real trauma of a child's life. Keep this in mind when your making your divorce decision. Divorce is a serious step and nothing should be done until your're certain that divorce is the best course of action. Getting a divorce without making sure that divorce is the right thing is selfish on your part and is the wrong thing to do to your children...after all, they deserve your best effort!

One thing should remain constant...that you and your spouse will always be there for your children, no matter what.

Karl Augustine, Author of "A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce".
<a target="_new" href="http://www.deciding-on-divorce.com">Deciding on Divorce</a>
<a target="_new" href="http://www.deciding-on-divorce.com/children-and-divorce.htm">Children and Divorce</a>

There Is Life After Divorce

A married woman becomes a single woman for one of two reasons: death or divorce. The former is an honourable state, the latter is not.

When a woman loses her husband to death the neighbours all rally round and provide meals and any help they can give with regard to household repairs or cleaning or anything that is needed. They are willing to provide comfort and a shoulder to cry on. They are available for the widow and they include her in their activities, feeling sorry for her that she is now so alone.

However, things are quite different when a marriage ends due to infidelity or marital breakdown. That immediately plunges a woman into a new category. She is transformed, instantaneously it seems,from a married woman to a divorcee. Becoming one of many, part of a group of used and discarded women, seen as suspect by all those who are still safely ensconced in the womb of their marriage.

People tend to withdraw from her. Invitations to get togethers cease. It appears that women think their husbands might be attracted to the idea of an &quot;available woman&quot; and so the women who used to be friends withdraw and leave her alone with her tears and her fears. There are no meals prepared and no offers of help. Husbands are kept at home just in case, for such is the image portrayed of a divorcee. The husbands might not be safe. She might cause the destruction of other marriages.

We read jokes all the time about the lonely divorcee who invites the mailman, the milkman, or the Maytag repairman into her home with the intent of seducing him. (A joke made up, I am sure, by a man who has never known the humiliation and pain of being a divorcee.) Perhaps she even seduces them one right after the other, for such is the life of the &quot;gay divorcee&quot;, isn't it? Freed from the bonds of marriage, with unmet needs and desires, divorcees are wanting to fill the void; or at least that is the popular image. And so in place of invitations to parties or neighbourhood barbeques which were formerly were issued to the couple and their family, there is an empty mailbox, and the phone stays quiet. She checks it every now and then to make sure it is still working.

The divorcee begins to feel as though she no longer exists; as if, because she is no longer half of a relationship, she ceases to be a part of the neighbourhood. Women who used to call her friend no longer call. Her children are not invited to play with the neighbours' children. Perhaps the women feel they would be contaminated by the disease of divorce, as if it were a virus that could be caught, or maybe they just don't know how to talk to a newly divorced woman. A divorced man, on the other hand, is often seen as more eligible and is a welcome addition to many parties. His social life may increase, and because he usually does not have the children, his disposable income is often enough to keep him comfortably.

However, life goes on. The bills still have to be paid, the kids still have to be fed and they have to be clothed. Family chores that were done by two are now done by one. If the children are old enough, they can chip in and help with the household duties such as dishes and meal preparation and housecleaning. Because of the reduction in income, the divorcee is often forced to seek employment and then she has two jobs; one inside and one outside the home.

Sometimes the inside life doesn't change much. For those who had husbands who simply went to work and came home at night expecting to be waited on, their workload is reduced by one person, so this can be a blessing. But the availability of a backup when she is really tired and the kids are really obnoxious is a problem. She has to deal with all the problems, tired or not.

Because she has been ostracized by her neighbours she seeks out other divorcees for companionship, often building relationships and forming deep bonds that last for years as they share the day to day problems and achievements. They get together with their kids and pool their resources for family dinners. They support each other in job searches, in the handling of problems, in the fights with their exes. They listen to each other and care for each other's children.

Sometimes, because of the great reduction in income, divorcees are forced to apply for an allowance from the provincial government. This is known as welfare or Mother's Allowance. There they are told that they have no right to have a phone or a car, or any of the things they consider necessities but the government considers luxuries, such as a heating bill over the allotted amount. Widows, on the other hand, usually receive a pension from their husband's estate which they can spend however they want, with no rules. The divorcees are told to sell the car and get rid of the phone, even if they are out in the country. If they have a house, they might have to give it up and move the children to a new area. Sometimes, in order to survive, they may use credit cards to buy the things they feel they need for their kids for school and other activities. They may not be able to send their kids on school trips or buy the clothes that the kids need to fit in and so their kids may be ridiculed because of the way they dress. When the kids come home crying, they often feel guilty and wonder if they couldn't have worked things out better with their ex-husbands. They cry but try to hide the tears from their children, not wanting to upset them.

When the divorcee ventures into the realms of the full-time employee instead of part-time, she must find a babysitter for her kids, arrange everyone's schedule and settle into her new lifestyle. She tries to find a boss who is willing to let her attend the various special events at her children's school and cries silently to herself when she is unable to attend a day graduation due to work, or when she is unable to see her children receive sports awards, but she knows that she is doing the best she can. She attends what she can in the evenings and on weekends and hopes it is enough.

As the divorcee settles into life on her own, she may begin to find advantages such as being able to go where she wants, when she wants and with whom she wants. She has only to consider herself, and her kids, if she has any. Eventually the heartaches will ease a little and the divorcee will reach out to others a little more, perhaps even being willing to take the risk of dating another man.

Her circumstances may not have changed a lot. She still struggles to pay bills, to provide for her kids, yet she finds her life is full. Not the rumoured life of the gay divorcee, replete with men or with parties and wild living, but one of love for her kids, and perhaps of studying for a degree while working in a fulfilling career where helping others. She has weathered the storms of life and feels that she has come out on top. Her children move on to their own homes and to employment. Perhaps her eldest has his dream job, that of webmaster and service technician. Another may become the youngest Inventory Control Manager and the only female one in Eastern Ontario for a large soft drink company. Another, with a child of her own, may work part-time and plan to return to school to take an Esthetics course. Her children could be very involved in hockey, perhaps playing at the AA level or Junior A level which requires a lot of travelling and sacrifice of personal time. But to her it is all worth it to watch her child score the winning goal and to see the smile on his face as he turns from the net. Her heart swells with pride as his teammates congratulate him and the parents lean over to say how well he played.

Yes, life continues after divorce, the pain and heartache suffered in the beginning eventually fade somewhat and the divorcee finds the strength to survive and, more than that, to move on to whatever the future has in store.

For more poetry and stories you can go to Fran's webpage <a target="_new" href="http://www.franwatson.ca">http://www.franwatson.ca</a>