An In-Depth Look at Army Divorce Rates

Raleigh, NC-The largest divorce firm in the state, Rosen Law Firm, says they're not surprised by the sharp increase among Army divorce rates and that more needs to be done to counsel the spouses left at home and those deployed overseas.

"There's a huge difference between typical divorces that we see on a daily basis and the military divorces that we're seeing," says Janet Fritts, a divorce attorney with Rosen Law Firm. "The majority of civilian couples we deal with have stopped communicating somewhere during the marriage, but military couples have been communicating in more ways than ever before."

Divorce experts say young military marriages, co-ed military units, financial decision-making, and the bureaucracy of being a military officer's spouse are just some of the factors contributing to the already established problems of spousal absence and combat stress among military families.

"Allocation of finances is a huge problem because so many military members have no control over their finances when they're overseas and their at-home spouses are spending the monthly checks the way they see fit, sometimes on their new love relationships," says Fritts. With deployments being more frequent and for longer periods, infidelity is another reason why the Army divorce rates have sharply increased. "A lot of times it's the women who remain on base to take care of the children and when her husband is gone for 6 months to a year, she may inevitably make new relationships with the men on the base," says Fritts.

Military couples are usually far away from their families and they are not reminded of their marriage vows because they are so isolated on base or overseas. Fritts also explains the growing co-ed military units are not helping either as more military members are establishing relationships with the opposite sex during wartime.

Statistics show the largest increase recently in Army divorce rates are among officers, a position which Fritts describes as having an enormous responsibility. Coupled with the weight of being an officer, the pressure of being a military officer's spouse also adds to the problem. "When they're left by themselves on the military base once their spouse deploys, a lot of spouses stop playing the game of being nice to the other military officer's spouses," Fritts explains. "Once the deployed spouse returns there's a lot of disagreement on the roles played and the bureaucracy of military officers and their spouses."

Rosen Law Firm<Br> 4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500<Br> Raleigh, NC 27607<Br> <a target="_new" href="http://www.rosen.com">www.rosen.com</a><Br> &quot;Divorce is Different Here&quot;

With offices in Raleigh, Charlotte, and now Chapel Hill/Durham, Rosen Law Firm is the largest divorce firm in North Carolina. Founded in 1990, the firm is dedicated to providing individual growth and support to couples seeking divorce by helping them move forward with their lives. Our staff of attorneys, accountants, and specially trained divorce coaches expertly address the complex issues of ending a marriage. Our innovative approach acknowledges that divorce is so much more than just a legal matter. Specialties include child custody, alimony, property distribution, separation agreements, and domestic violence relief.

For more information on Rosen Law Firm, or for an interview, please contact: Alison Kramer, Director of Public Relations, Office: 919-256-1542, Cell: 919-523-7104, akramer@rosen.com, <a target="_new" href="http://www.rosen.com">http://www.rosen.com</a>

Commitment

Being marriage means being fully committed to your husband as to the Lord. Look at Ephesians 5:22 it says Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body of which he is Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water though the word, and present her to himself as a radiant church without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-for we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother an be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Let's look at 1Peter 3:1 it says Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and find clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah. Who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

Love Always,
Your Sister in Christ
Mellody Davis

Enjoy more reading at: <a target="_new" href="http://www.hostinghelps.com/allaboutjesus">http://www.hostinghelps.com/allaboutjesus</a>

How to Recover From Divorce

As a licensed mental health professional, I work with many individuals, couples, and families who are affected by divorce. I have developed this list of survival strategies for people who are experiencing divorce. If you or someone you love is in this situation, I hope these ideas will help you.

1. Take your time as you adjust to your changed life circumstances. Recognize that you are going through a major life transition that cannot be rushed.

2. Set up temporary arrangements to help you get through the changes involved in your divorce process.

3. You will often feel frustrated. Avoid the temptation of acting for the sake of acting just because it gives you a temporary feeling of being in control.

4. When you feel uncomfortable, slow down and identify what you are feeling and why.

5. Don't force any more changes on yourself than are necessary.

6. Explore both the benefits and costs of your new life.

7. Think about the future. In your journal, explore the question, &quot;What is waiting to happen in my life now?&quot;

8. Remember to ask yourself, &quot;What am I supposed to learn from this?&quot;

9. Protect yourself against the inevitable forgetfulness and absent-mindedness which many divorcing people report. Make a list of important account numbers, telephone numbers, and the like, and keep them in a safe place.

10. Watch out for too many changes in your life as you recover from the divorce and the changes in your life circumstances. Change causes stress, and you have enough right now.

11. Let people help you.

? If it's impossible to reciprocate, say so.

? People know that your life isn't like it used to be.

? Don't let your inability to reciprocate prevent you from accepting what people willingly offer.

12. Let go of your need for perfection. You will not survive emotionally unless you lower your expectations.

13. Develop your ability to be flexible and find creative ways to solve problems.

14. Learn to set priorities. Do the most important things first.

15. Trust your gut feelings. Pay attention to your instincts and act on them.

16. Simplify everything in your life. You cannot afford to keep it complicated.

17. Find an outlet for your anger. If a friend is not available, look for a minister, rabbi, or professional counselor. If money is an issue, look for a therapist who will see you for a low fee.

18. Teach yourself to let go of guilt. You don't have time for it and it's not necessary.

19. Focus on issues you have control over. If something is beyond your control, don't waste your emotions on it.

20. Create a ceremony to acknowledge your divorce.

21. Learn to be assertive. You can't say yes to every request, whether it is from your family members or people in the community who want your time and resources. If you give it all away, you will have nothing left for yourself.

22. Find ways to take care of your body. Get regular checkups and make time to exercise. You need rest now more than ever. Watch your alcohol intake.

23. Find someone who will listen to you. Sometimes you have to ask, for example, &quot;I need a sounding board right now. Can I have 15 minutes of your time?&quot;

24. Rent a sad movie and let yourself cry (when the kids aren't around). Crying allows you to release the sadness that you are sure to feel.

25. Do at least one fun thing for yourself every week.

26. In your private journal, make a list of all the things you're afraid of.

27. In your private journal, make a list of all the things you worry about.

If you have children:

28. Manage your own emotions so you will be able to help your child manage his or her struggle.

? Learn as much as you can about how children respond to divorce and life in a single-parent home.

? Do not expect your child to respond the same way you do.

? Take your child's developmental stage into consideration when responding to his or her behavior.

29. Make it okay for your children to talk to you about their feelings.

30. Keep appropriate boundaries.

? Don't give in to the temptation to let your child take care of you.

? Let your children be children.

? Avoid burdening them with your feelings and the facts of the divorce.

? Find another adult to be your sounding board.

31. Even though you may be unable to be present as much as in the past, your children still need adult supervision. Look for ways for other adults to look in on your kids when they are home alone, even when they are teenagers.

32. Just because your child appears to be handling his or her emotions well, don't assume that he or she is okay. Some kids respond to divorce by becoming overly responsible or by closing down their emotions. They may need to hear, &quot;Tell me how you're feeling.&quot;

33. While it is important to listen and accept your children's feelings, it is equally important to set limits on behavior.

34. Keep a private journal where you express your feelings. Be sure to keep it in a private place where your children won't find it. A journal provides a place to express anger, sadness, loneliness, and fear-all of those feelings you feel every day as a single parent.

35. Remind yourself that recovering from divorce will take time. Your recovery will happen on its own schedule, and it will happen. You will get through this intact.

36. Get together with other single-parent families. Sharing times with people facing similar issues can make you feel normal.

Garrett Coan is a professional therapist,coach and psychotherapist. His two Northern New Jersey office locations are accessible to individuals who reside in Bergen County, Essex County, Passaic County, Rockland County, and Manhattan. He offers online and telephone coaching and counseling services for those who live at a distance. He can be accessed through <a target="_new" href="http://www.creativecounselors.com">http://www.creativecounselors.com</a> or 201-303-4303.

10 Ways to Keep Divorce Lawyers From Ruining Your Life

Everyone has heard the story (from friends, co-workers, and family members) of the divorce from hell; the one that grinds on for years, costs untold thousands of dollars, and frustratingly plods its way through the court system. It costs people not only their marriage, but often their children, their savings, and their emotional well-being, as well. Unfortunately, many people going through a divorce end up hating their lawyer, and more commonly, hating their spouse's lawyer. It doesn't have to be that way. You can get a divorce without letting lawyers ruin your life. Using the ten tips outlined below will make a huge difference in the way your divorce progresses. It's hard to behave rationally as you navigate this painful process, but the vast majority of people find the strength to get through a divorce without losing control of their emotions or finances. You can control the process and guide the matter to a successful solution, leaving your financial situation intact and allowing you to meet your needs now and in the future.

The reality is that lawyers are people, and like people, there are some awful ones out there and a few wonderful ones. When you hire an awful lawyer (one who creates conflict rather than resolving it, one who makes your divorce worse, rather than better) everybody involved suffers. You suffer, your spouse suffers and your children suffer. Well, not everybody suffers. The awful lawyer doesn't suffer, so it's important to do everything possible to avoid hiring that lawyer, because that's the only sure way to keep divorce lawyers from ruining your life. Here's how:

1. Don't hire the wrong lawyer. The lawyer you hire makes a tremendous difference. Use common sense in the selection process. Be observant, ask questions, and don't hire someone if you don't feel good about your interaction with him or her. Here are some things to think about in an initial meeting with a lawyer: 1) does the lawyer have a direct dial phone number? You can assume that if you have to go through a secretary or paralegal to reach your lawyer, you will have a harder time reaching him or her; 2) watch out for a messy office; if the lawyer is disorganized you can assume your case will be disorganized. If you see other clients' documents sitting out in public view, you can know that your documents will soon be sitting out in public the same way; 3) make sure the lawyer has a written client agreement that ensures that you understand your fees, rights and obligations; 4) don't hire the dabbler ? someone that does a traffic ticket case in the morning, a real estate closing in the afternoon and squeezes your case in somewhere in the middle; divorce is complicated enough that you should hire someone who does it all day long, every day; and, 5) don't hire a lawyer taking on more cases than s/he can handle; ask the lawyer what his or her average caseload is. Handling more than 15 or 20 cases at one time causes most lawyers to become overwhelmed and ineffective. Thinking about these issues when you meet with a lawyer for the first time will help you make the right choice.

2. Don't let a judge decide for you. The minute you (or your spouse) go to court and ask a judge to decide your divorce for you, you give up nearly all of the control you have over the process. If you want to keep your money instead of giving it to a lawyer, and if you want to maintain control over your life, DO NOT LITIGATE. Go to court only as a last resort, only if all else fails. Try negotiation, try mediation, try collaborative divorce, try settlement conferences but do not litigate. You may win at trial, but at what cost? Will you be able to dance with your former spouse at your child's wedding? Probably not. Litigation is destructive, expensive and gut wrenching. Litigate only if you have no other option. Litigation is, unfortunately, necessary in some cases. There will always be people that just can not agree no matter how hard you try. Reserve litigation for the most desperate situations.

3. Do hire a collaborative divorce lawyer (and get your spouse to do the same thing). Now you know you want to stay out of court. Do you want your situation to be resolved as efficiently, effectively, and successfully as possible? Of course. That's the way collaborative divorce lawyers handle divorces. In a collaborative divorce, everyone involved (lawyers and clients) signs a written pledge to keep your case out of court. This keeps everyone involved truly focused on reaching a mutually beneficial agreement, without threatening costly and destructive litigation.

4. Don't hire a mediator without getting legal advice first. Often, people think that hiring a mediator is a substitute for hiring a lawyer in trying to resolve their divorce. The critical mistake these people are making is this: mediators can not give legal advice. Their role is only to help people agree; the drawback is that they may help you agree to something that you would not have agreed to if you had sought legal advice first. Timing is everything here: using a mediator can be effective in resolving a divorce, you should never, ever hire a mediator without first obtaining legal advice from a lawyer whose only role is to represent your best interests. In fact, any good mediator will insist that you go and get legal advice before any agreement is reached, anyway. If you choose to mediate your dispute, get the legal advice before you begin mediation. It is more efficient and safer.

5. Don't sign a blank check. Signing an agreement with a lawyer that calls for hourly billing is like signing a blank check. Be careful. Let's face facts ? hourly billing encourages what? Billing! Find a lawyer who can tell you what your case will cost. The only way to be certain of your attorney fee is to get a firm commitment on a fixed fee. Short of a fixed fee you need frequent updates on the costs that you have incurred (if it were our money we would want daily, real-time, updates over the internet) and we would want the authority to accept or reject any action that would result in our paying more money. It just doesn't make sense to give someone the economic incentive to make your life miserable by dragging things out. Doctors don't bill hourly ? they charge you a fixed fee for your office visit or your surgery. Lawyers want you to believe that they can't predict your fee. If they won't tell you how much it costs then don't buy it.

6. Do a cost-benefit analysis. In divorce, it is easy to get caught up in the emotion and make all of your decisions from that vantage point. This can be a mistake though; spending some time analyzing your case from a logical, cost-benefit perspective can pay dividends. Keep your eye on the ball and stay focused on getting the divorce finished so you can move on with your life. It is not uncommon for divorcing people to do things like spend $500 to get a $100 microwave oven. Don't do it. If you can't see a clear connection between your actions and achieving a final resolution of your case, then don't take that action.

7. Do know your priorities. Frequently people going through a divorce find that their priorities change throughout the process. The things that they thought were most important when they began the process are not necessarily the same things that are most important at the conclusion. It is important that you review your priorities regularly, with your lawyer or on your own, so that you are always mindful of things that matter to you most. Staying on top of your own priorities allows you to keep your lawyer informed and better use the divorce process to obtain the results that your care most passionately about.

8. Do remain flexible. One of the most common mistakes people make when they begin a divorce is to decide that they absolutely, positively must have A, B, and C, and nothing else will be sufficient. Remaining flexible in the divorce process allows you to critically and impartially analyze all of the issues as they arise. This is especially true for people who have reviewed their priorities throughout the process (see # 7 above). Knowing what you want, and being flexible in your approach to getting it, can often mean the difference between success and frustration.

9. Do stay involved. When you hire your lawyer, don't simply hand control of your life over to him or her and walk away. Your divorce is critical to you, and it's too important to be delegated away and ignored. Stay abreast of developments on a daily basis. Find a lawyer who wants you to be as involved as you do. Two things to look for in a lawyer who wants to keep clients involved: same day delivery to you of all documents that come in or go out of the lawyer's office (email is a great option for this) and 24/7 access to your case file. Ideally, your file will be available on an extranet on your lawyer's website. If you can access your credit card and bank statements online, your divorce file should be online, on your lawyer's website, as well. Many lawyers use technology to make your life less stressful and more convenient; find one who uses the latest technology to help you stay involved. Involved clients are able to maintain control, reduce anxiety and make better judgments about their future, which helps them to reach positive outcomes in their divorce.

10. Do educate yourself. Knowledge can be your greatest ally. Research the divorce laws of your state, whether through a local law library or the internet. NCdivorce.com is the most comprehensive divorce website in North Carolina. The site features a discussion forum with questions answered by lawyers, a child support calculator, the latest cases from the North Carolina Courts, numerous essays and information on all divorce issues, seminar videos, and lots more. Reading the information on this site will dramatically improve your effectiveness and efficiency in interacting with your lawyer and negotiating with your spouse.

Lee S. Rosen is a Board Certified Family Law Specialist and founder of Rosen Divorce, the largest divorce firm in the Southeastern United States. Rosen Divorce is a multidisciplinary practice of lawyers, counselors and accountants. Visit <a target="_new" href="http://www.rosen.com">http://www.rosen.com</a> for more information and articles.

Top 5 To Dos Before Saying ?I Do?

1. DO allow yourself enough time to make one of your biggest life-altering decisions. Ask yourself why now and why with this person? You should be able to answer this in an affirming and positive way. The relationship should not be reactive to fill an empty space in your life, perhaps a past relationship, a surprise pregnancy, or the absence of family. Lots of people go into a relationship still having baggage from a previous one. If you deal with your previous relationship losses successfully, they won't come to haunt you or your future spouse later on. Also, keep in mind that opposites attract, but they are really hard to live with. The more in common you have with your spouse, the more likely the relationship will last.

2. DO discuss having children and if this is something as a couple you want to do. Also, discuss about how many children you'll plan to have and when you'll have them. What parenting practices will you adopt to raise your children? Who will stay at home or will both parties work? You should also define parenting roles as individuals and as a couple.

3. DO create a financial plan together. A lot of times people avoid talking about this, but you need to define financial goals and expectations beforehand. Don't just know how much your future spouse makes, but know the whole picture. Who will be in charge of balancing the checkbook? Will you join your accounts or will they be separate? What are your top financial goals together? People have different spending habits and different financial styles that are often influenced by family. What happens if one spouse starts spending excessively? How will this be handled? Speak with a financial planner and retain one together.

4. DO compare personal goals versus goals as a couple and the obstacles that may arise. If one party wants to move to California for a job promotion and the other desires to live near family in Florida, that's something to discuss now. How will you as a couple make life-altering decisions on which you may not agree? Surely, not all your goals will match that of your partner, but there needs to be decision-making beforehand on how to handle these differences. If one party longs to have children shortly after marrying, while the other wants to wait to start a family and hopes to attend graduate school, this could create tension in the marriage and lead down the road to separation or divorce.

5. DO decide on how to handle disputes. Conflict will arise in any relationship; it's a normal indicator of self expression and thought. Deciding on how to handle conflict will prevent big disputes and arguments that might be detrimental to the relationship. Decide ahead of time the rules for arguing and the limits. Set rules involving communication like no &quot;walk always&quot; or &quot;put downs&quot;. This will allow you and your future spouse to effectively handle conflict when it arises, and surely it will. Also, agree to not let the little things get too big.

For more information on Rosen Divorce, or for an interview, please contact: Alison Kramer, Director of Public Relations, Phone: 919-256-1542, Cell: 919-523-7104, <a href="mailto:akramer@rosen.com">akramer@rosen.com</a> or visit: <a target="_new" href="http://www.rosendivorce.com">http://www.rosendivorce.com</a>.

Jennifer Coleman is a divorce coach at Rosen Divorce and assists clients through the emotional transition that accompanies the legal process of divorce. She is a National Certified Counselor and specializes in marriage and family counseling.

ROSEN DIVORCE
4101 Lake Boone Trail, Suite 500
Raleigh, NC 27607
<a target="_new" href="http://www.rosendivorce.com">http://www.rosendivorce.com</a>
&quot;Divorce is Different Here&quot;

With offices in Raleigh and Charlotte, Rosen Divorce is the largest divorce firm in North Carolina. Founded in 1990, the firm is dedicated to providing individual growth and support to couples seeking divorce by helping them move forward with their lives. Our staff of attorneys, accountants, and specially trained divorce coaches expertly address the complex issues of ending a marriage. Our innovative approach acknowledges that divorce is so much more than just a legal matter. Specialties include child custody, alimony, property distribution, separation agreements, and domestic violence relief.

Credit and Divorce

Mary and Bill recently divorced. Their divorce decree stated that Bill would pay the balances on their three joint credit card accounts. Months later, after Bill neglected to pay off these accounts, all three creditors contacted Mary for payment. She referred them to the divorce decree, insisting that she was not responsible for the accounts. The creditors correctly stated that they were not parties to the decree and that Mary was still legally responsible for paying off the couple's joint accounts. Mary later found out that the late payments appeared on her credit report.

If you've recently been through a divorce-or are contemplating one-you may want to look closely at issues involving credit. Understanding the different kinds of credit accounts opened during a marriage may help illuminate the potential benefits-and pitfalls-of each.

There are two types of credit accounts: individual and joint . You can permit authorized persons to use the account with either. When you apply for credit-whether a charge card or a mortgage loan-you'll be asked to select one type.

Individual or Joint Account

Individual Account : Your income, assets, and credit history are considered by the creditor. Whether you are married or single, you alone are responsible for paying off the debt. The account will appear on your credit report, and may appear on the credit report of any "authorized" user. However, if you live in a community property state (Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, or Wisconsin), you and your spouse may be responsible for debts incurred during the marriage, and the individual debts of one spouse may appear on the credit report of the other.

Advantages/Disadvantages: If you're not employed outside the home, work part-time, or have a low-paying job, it may be difficult to demonstrate a strong financial picture without your spouse's income. But if you open an account in your name and are responsible, no one can negatively affect your credit record.

Joint Account: Your income, financial assets, and credit history-and your spouse's-are considerations for a joint account. No matter who handles the household bills, you and your spouse are responsible for seeing that debts are paid. A creditor who reports the credit history of a joint account to credit bureaus must report it in both names (if the account was opened after June 1, 1977).

Advantages/Disadvantages: An application combining the financial resources of two people may present a stronger case to a creditor who is granting a loan or credit card. But because two people applied together for the credit, each is responsible for the debt. This is true even if a divorce decree assigns separate debt obligations to each spouse. Former spouses who run up bills and don't pay them can hurt their ex-partner's credit histories on jointly-held accounts.

Account "Users" If you open an individual account, you may authorize another person to use it. If you name your spouse as the authorized user, a creditor who reports the credit history to a credit bureau must report it in your spouse's name as well as in yours (if the account was opened after June 1, 1977). A creditor also may report the credit history in the name of any other authorized user.

Advantages/Disadvantages: User accounts often are opened for convenience. They benefit people who might not qualify for credit on their own, such as students or homemakers. While these people may use the account, you-not they-are contractually liable for paying the debt.

If You Divorce If you're considering divorce or separation, pay special attention to the status of your credit accounts. If you maintain joint accounts during this time, it's important to make regular payments so your credit record won't suffer. As long as there's an outstanding balance on a joint account, you and your spouse are responsible for it.

If you divorce, you may want to close joint accounts or accounts in which your former spouse was an authorized user. Or ask the creditor to convert these accounts to individual accounts.

By law, a creditor cannot close a joint account because of a change in marital status, but can do so at the request of either spouse. A creditor, however, does not have to change joint accounts to individual accounts. The creditor can require you to reapply for credit on an individual basis and then, based on your new application, extend or deny you credit. In the case of a mortgage or home equity loan, a lender is likely to require refinancing to remove a spouse from the obligation.

For More Information If you need additional help during this time of financial stress, please call Cindy Morus at 541-387-2995. She's been through it, too.

Cindy S. Morus (<a target="_new" href="http://www.phelps-creek.com">www.phelps-creek.com</a>) is a Certified Financial Recovery Counselor specializing in showing women and their families how to achieve financial well-being and peace of mind. She is also a Certified Credit Report Reviewer and Get Clients NOW!? licensee. Contact her at 541-387-2995 or cmorus@phelps-creek.com She is also the publisher and editor of "Financial Fitness" , an internet gazette dedicated to helping people improve their financial fitness no matter what decisions were made in the past.

Attention Ezine editors/Site owners: Feel free to reprint this article in its entirety in your ezine or website as long as you leave all links in place, do not alter the content and include our resource box as listed above. If you do use the material please send us a note (cmorus@phelps-creek.com) so we can take a look. Thanks.

Anatomy of a Divorce: How it Really Works

<B>The legal divorce vs. your real divorce</B> <BR><BR> <B>The legal divorce</B> has very limited concerns: to get a judgment of divorce, you have to make arrangements for your property, your children, and support (if any). If you have a high degree of conflict, it is also about keeping the peace and protecting you, your children and your property. That's it; that's all the legal divorce is about. <BR><BR> The law is used to impose a decision in your case only when there is a disagreement that has been brought into court. If you can reach a fair written agreement with your spouse, you can get almost any terms you like without much reference to laws. But, where children are concerned, a judge might take a look at your terms to make sure they are reasonably well supported and protected. <BR><BR> All you get from your legal divorce is a piece of paper--a Judgment--with findings of fact and court orders on the above subjects. That's all. This is what all the fuss is about; this is what people go to attorneys for and spend tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars to get--a piece of paper with orders about peace, property, custody, and support. <BR><BR> You might think that a legal divorce will solve your problems, but it probably won't and it is critically important that you understand this so you don't expect too much from the legal divorce--or some lawyer--and set yourself up for frustration and disappointment. <BR><BR> <B>Your real divorce</B> is about ending one life and beginning another, then making it work--spiritually, emotionally and practically. The real divorce is about breaking old patterns, making a new life and seeking a new center of balance. It's about doing your best with the hand you've been dealt. <BR><BR> Understanding some basic things about how the real divorce works will help you enormously in dealing with yourself, your spouse and your list of practical problems. <BR><BR> How you feel is probably the most real thing in your life right now. Nothing else in your life is as real as your pain, your fear, your anger, hurt, guilt, tension, nervousness, illness, depression--whatever it is you are feeling. <BR><BR> The practical tasks you face are also very real: how to get by financially, how to rearrange the parenting of your children, what to say to family and friends, what to do next, and so on. <BR><BR> In your real divorce, then, you face these challenges: <BR><BR> <B>Emotional:</B> This is about breaking (or failing to break) the bonds, patterns, dependencies, and habits that attach you to your ex-spouse. It's about learning to let go of anger, fear, hurt, guilt, blame, and resentment. You learn about past mistakes so you don't have to repeat them. You develop a balanced view of yourself, your ex-spouse, and your marriage. You create self-confidence and an openness to new intimate relationships. <BR><BR> <B>Physical: </B>Our minds and bodies are not separate and life does not come in these neat boxes. Emotions--especially strong ones that are ignored, denied or repressed--are frequently expressed physically. During divorce, people tend to experience a lot of tension and nervousness. They get ill frequently and have accidents. This is a time when you must take extra good care of your health, pay close attention to your body, and be extra careful when driving. <BR><BR> <B>Practical:</B> This is about taking care of business on the physical plane--including the legal divorce. It's the nuts and bolts of what to do, where to go, and how to get there as you begin to build a new life for yourself. You need to create safety and security for yourself and your children; to make ends meet in a new life-style that produces what you need and needs no more than you can produce. <BR><BR> Going through major life changes--in other words, re-creating your life--is demanding, hard work, but it may be the most important thing you ever do. And, unless you decide to get counseling or go into therapy, the real divorce won't cost a dime! <BR><BR> This article was taken from the book Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Better, which is full of practical advice on how to handle the issues described above. Learn more by going to <a target="_new" href="http://www.nolotech.com/CA/pds.html">Divorce Solutions</a>. <BR><BR> Copyright 2005 Ed Sherman

Ed Sherman is a family law attorney, divorce expert, and founder of Nolo Press. He started the self-help law movement in 1971 when he published the first edition of How to Do Your Own Divorce, and founded the paralegal industry in 1973. With more than a million books sold, Ed has saved the public billions of dollars in legal fees while making divorce go more smoothly and easily for millions of readers. You can order his books from <a target="_new" href="http://www.nolotech.com">http://www.nolodivorce.com</a> or by calling (800) 464-5502.